You know that dirty, filthy, disgusting habit you have? You know, smoking? You know how much it sucks when you have to go outside into the bitter cold winter air to get a nicotine jolt because your nonsmoking friends don’t want you stinking up their house? I mean, you could just not smoke while you’re hanging out over there, but that is a lot to ask. And you’ve almost gotten your cigarette breaks down to five minutes every hour. But how are you supposed to keep your fingers from turning into cigarette flavored popsicles?
The Smoking Mittens (Firebox.com, $24.95) are here to rescue your cigarette holding appendages! These handy (!) mittens not only keep your fingers roasty toasty warm, but also allow you to smoke while doing so. How do they do it, you ask? Simple. One of the mittens has a metal eyelet hole, which is perfectly sized to fit your cigarette. What you do is put your mitten on the hand you normally smoke with, load the cigarette into the hole and light with your free hand, then put the remaining mitten on your other hand. Viola! Now you have warm hands and smoke-filled lungs, with very little effort on your part. Don’t worry, if for some reason you decide to switch up your smoking hand, the mitten are reversible. The mittens are also one size fits all and unisex, so all you guys out there can borrow them from your girlfriends without experiencing a deduction in man points.
One minor detail – I would be wary of sparking up a cigarette while wearing both mittens, unless you want to set yourself on fire. I mean, if that’s what you’re into, I’m not gonna stand in your way. Just remember what good ole Smokey said: Only you can prevent forest fires.
4 out of 5 nicotine stars.
Specs:
-One size fits all
-Unisex
-Cigarette sized metal eyelet in one mitten only
-Reversible, for left or right handed smoking
-Keeps hands warm while allowing you to hold a cigarette
Are you getting tired of those Christmas carols already? The same old songs sung by the same old people over and over and over. It’s positively monotonous. But what can you do? It’s that time of year where you couldn’t escape Christmas music if you tried – it’s everywhere! Ok, but at least you can control what Christmas music you listen to inside your own four walls, right?
The A Very Special Christmas CD (Amazon, $7.99) has all your traditional Christmas favorites, but also a few lesser knowns stuck in there as well. Also, these songs are sung by some of the latest and greatest up and coming stars…of the 80s. Alright, so this may not be the most up to date selection of Christmas songs available, but it is a pretty good mixture. And it’s perhaps for the best that it’s not exactly current – I mean, have you heard some of the “music” that’s out there today? You can’t go wrong with a CD that includes Bryan Adams, U2, Run D.M.C., Bon Jovi, and Bruce Springsteen (to name a few). You’ve got your usual “Silent Night” and “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” but that’s offset by “Christmas In Hollis” and “Gabriel’s Message” which is both different and enjoyable. To top it all off, it comes with beautifully simple iconic 80s cover art from the late Keith Haring.
There are a few more compilation CDs in the A Very Special Christmas series, but they seem to taper off a bit in quality. While I do enjoy the 2nd and 3rd compilations in the series, my favorite has and will always be the original.
5 out 5 stars.
Specs:
-15 song tracks
-Cover art by late Keith Haring
Remember when you were a little kid and you tried to hold your own in a snowball fight against your big brother and his friends, even though you were grossly outnumbered? You tried and you tried, but you were just no match for the speed and sheer volume they were packing. There had to be some way to beat them, but without a proper snowfight army, you were doomed. And they won, year after year, pelting you with perfectly round snowballs. But it’s been a few years, and now you’re all grown up. And you’re ready for retribution.
With the Snow Ball Launcher (ThinkGeek, $29.99) you don’t even need a snowball packing posse. All you need is this launcher and a good amount of snow, and you’re golden. Your brother and his friends better be prepared because this baby is packing some serious punch. With three snowball slots, all you have to do is pack it with snow, close the top to mold the snowballs, and pull back the lever to fire. And don’t worry if you’re a little chicken about saddling up for yet another intense snowball fight because this launcher discharges your snowball arsenal at targets up to 80 feet away. That’s right, you can crounch behind the shed in your neighbor’s backyard across the street and still be able to shower your enemies with frozen projectiles.
Apparently the manufacturer frowns upon shooting people or animals, and while I agree that shooting defenseless animals is heartless and cruel, I think your brother and his scumbag friends totally deserve it. I mean, they can totally defend themselves, and more importantly, they started it.
Game on.
4 out of 5 stars.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 18″ x 11″ x 5.5″
-Launches up to 80 feet
-Uses 5,000lbs of compressed energy force
-Can be switched to accommodate right or left handed shooters
Are you ever just sitting around the house during the holiday season thinking, “Man, is it quiet in here.” And I know that’s just about the worst thing, an actual peaceful house during the crazy rush that is Christmastime. If only there was some way that you could fill up that emptiness, but still keeping with the spirit of Christmas. If only…
There’s no need to look any further than the Musical Christmas Clock (AmeriMark, $19.99) for all your holiday spirit needs. Not just a fully functional clock with adorable Christmas symbols decorating the face, but it’s also a musical wonder. The clock plays one of 12 Christmas carols on every hour, which is guaranteed to liven up that whisper quiet house of yours. Just think, it will be as quiet as a mouse until the big hand strikes 12, and then a sing along chorus of “Jingle Bells” will commence in your kitchen. Plus, the clock has an auto light sensor so it will automatically shut off the music once it gets dark, which rocks because while I know everyone loves Christmas music, not many people want to hear it while they’re trying to sleep. Just keep that in mind when you sneak into the kitchen for a midnight snack, because you probably should keep the lights turned off unless you want to wake up the entire house.
Remember, Musical Christmas clocks are fun, but there’s a time and a place for holiday sing-a-longs and 3am in the kitchen wearing your footie pajamas isn’t even close.
3 out of 5 stars.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 10″ diameter
-Battery operated (3 AA batteries, not included)
-Plays 1 of 12 Christmas carols every hour
-Auto light sensor shuts off music when it’s dark
-Plastic
Are you ever just sitting around at family get togethers, and your conversations seem to lack a certain something…such as actual talking? I mean, so many topics are off limits these days because no one wants to spawn a heated discussion around the holidays. Let’s see, that leaves out politics, religion, money, and just about everything else. I know a guy who ended up with a broken jaw after bringing up politics. True story. So then what, pray tell, are you supposed to talk about with the relatives this holiday season?
If you guessed the Animated Singing Christmas Tree (Amazon, $13.87), then you were right! This somewhat frightening looking apparatus is the key to surviving the holidays this year without those awkward silences. Just switch this guy on, sit back, and enjoy the conversational flow around you. I mean, what isn’t there to talk about? He sings, he moves, he lights up – he’s pretty much perfect. With his built-in sensor to keep him from falling off edges, he whirls and twirls while serenading the fam with “Oh Christmas Tree” and his mouth even moves while he sings! If this doesn’t get your family talking, I honestly don’t know what will. They’re obviously cold-hearted and unfeeling, and I personally think you should consider finding a new one.
So if you want to avoid getting your jaw wired shut and drinking your holiday feast through a straw this year, be sure to pick up a singing Christmas tree. It’s for your own safety.
5 out of 5 stars.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 12″ tall
-On/off switch
-Eyes and branches light up
-Mouth moves
-Sings “Oh Christmas Tree”
-Battery operated (4 AA batteries, included)
-Hidden wheels
-Built in sensor to keep tree from falling off edges
