When you think fish housing developments, the Fish Bubble Wall Mount Fish Tank (Wrapables, $21.95) is probably the first thing that comes to your mind. This fish tank is not only a suitable home for the newest member of your family, but it’s also a great addition to your residence’s decor. I mean, what could be better than a fish tank mounted on the wall? Who else is gonna have something so amazing that’s actually functional? The tank does come with an artificial plant and marine life background, as well as 500g of glass gems, so you don’t have to hire an interior decorator for your finned friend. Now, it does come with a few restrictions, the biggest one being the size of the fish. It’s a small fish apartment, so it should go without saying that only a small fish can reside in it. It’s recommended that you don’t try to stick a fish any larger than a betta in there, which is cool because I hear they like to live alone.

You also might want to make sure that when you’re mounting it on your wall, that you take into account the fish tank’s total weight. Sure, it doesn’t seem like much when you’re putting it up there, but let’s try to remember that just about all fish tanks are filled with water, which makes them a bit heavier than their original state. Nobody wants to put their brand new fish tank on the wall only to have it fall off a few minutes later, taking a huge chunk their wall with it.

4 out of 5 stars.

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The Flexible Chromatic USB Hub (Perpetual Kid, $12.99) is just the thing to boost your USB port’s popularity status from nonexistent to omnipotent. This USB hub plugs right into your computer’s USB port, transforming a single port into four. Compatible with Mac or PC, the hub is plug and play so there’s no need to worry about confusing instructions or installations. And being a humble hub, it’s not all power hungry so your computer performance isn’t going to be affected by its presence. Now for the fun part – not only do you get extended USB ports, but the hub is also flexible so you can twist it into the shape that suits your fancy. If you’ve got all the space in the world, by all means lay it flat across your desk like a declaration of your vast work arena. Maybe you reside in a tight cubicle though, so your hub is stacked high to accommodate all your indispensable knick knacks. Either way, with this colorful hub you’ll have plenty of ports for your friends Han Solo, Boba Fett, C-3PO, and Luke Skywalker to come and play.

My only issue with this hub of coolness is that it only bends back and forth, not side to side. I mean, that’s pretty neat, but it would be crazy awesome if you could twist it every which way. It would be like your computer was having a dance party and your hub was break dancing. Instead, “the worm” appears to be your hub’s move of choice.

4 out of 5 stars.

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Nine out of ten people immediately thought of LEGOs and Star Wars, which made the LEGO Star Wars Clock (LEGO, $29.99) an obvious choice. I mean, who doesn’t love LEGOs? You can build just about anything you want with the basic ones, and now they have sets based on all the best movies. Which brings me to my next point, Star Wars is the shit. The new prequels aside, there was just no one more badass than Han Solo. Ok, so now that we’ve covered the merits of these two fine specimens, let’s focus on their culmination in the shape of this clock. So not only does it look sweet, the clock is actually a fully functional piece of hardware. So you can hang it up in your living room for all your friends to see, or you can stick it next to your bed and make it the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning.

This clock is too cool for school. There really is no other way to put it.

5 out of 5 stars.

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Well if someone had given me the Peter Petrie Egg Separator (Stupid.com, $12.99) a long time ago, then I wouldn’t be having these frivolous problems. Sure, it may look a little wacky, but this man and his spacious schnoz are here to help. This egg separator makes it so you don’t have to worry that you have Salmonella because you touched those yucky raw eggs. Instead, all you have to do is crack the egg at the top of Peter’s head and tilt his face. That’s it. If you only need the egg whites, tilt Peter’s face so that the whites flow out his nostrils into your mixing bowl. If you just need the yolk, tilt to let the whites flow out into the trash, and then the yolk will be all that is left. What happens is that since the yolk has more of a definite shape, it flows easily into Peter’s nose and stays there, while the white runs out the nostrils. And since Peter is made of stoneware, that means he’s safe for use in the oven, dishwasher, microwave, and freezer.

Ok, yeah, this guy is a little gross looking. And maybe it’s borderline tacky. But come on, you know you want to buy one for the next nauseating wedding you go to. I bet you can’t wait to see the look on the happy couple’s faces when you tell them that you saw this and thought it was the perfect gift.

4 out of 5 stars.

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If you were wearing the 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt (ThinkGeek, $24.99), there’s no way that you could hate Valentine’s Day. And how does something as simple as a shirt dissuade your feelings of hate? Easy. It lights up. I think you would be hard-pressed to argue that light up apparel doesn’t put a smile on your face. So you can rest easy this Valentine’s Day, rocking your light up shirt for all to see. But wait, there is a catch. Come on, you had to see that coming. You have to buy two t-shirts. I know, I know, you’re starting to turn on me, but hear me out. Each shirt is has six hearts on it, two and a half of which are lit up at all times. Once you get within hugging distance of each other (about five meters), all six hearts light up. So you can showcase your undying love for your significant other (or bestie) without making everyone in the room want to vomit. Well, ok, if you have a really sensitive upchuck reflex then you might be affected, but your casual observer should be fine. Now, for those of you who are unattached, there is another option. You can buy a transmitter box for $11.99, which basically takes the place of the second shirt. That way, you can put the box next to something that makes you happy (couch, tv, fridge, crush) and the hearts on your shirt will reach full capacity when you are within range of said box. And don’t think that you have to be skanky and never wash your shirt because of all the built-in hardware. The battery pack and animated decal are removable for washing, just follow the instructions within the shirt packaging.

See, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to suck. It can be the best day you’ve ever had, I mean it. If you would just open your heart to the possibility of love, then love will find you. And in time, that love will blossom into a deeply meaningful relationship that transcends any experience you’ve ever had.

Ok, I just threw up on my computer.

5 out of 5 stars.

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