Bringing you another tantalizing installment in ridiculous headwear, I hereby introduce to you the Pumpkin Patch Hat (Miles Kimball, $5.99). I don’t think I have to explain just how absurd a pumpkin hat is, but just in case you’re in the dark, we’ll take a stab at it. Maybe you’re looking at said pumpkin hat thinking, “Gee, this is so festive! What a great way to celebrate All Hallows Eve.” No, the answer is no. Just because this hat has an adjustable drawstring and can fit most people does not mean that you should own it. Just because it’s a great bargain at only $5.99 does not mean you should own it. Not even the soft cotton and polyester blend is enough of a justification to own such an atrocity.
Ok, maybe that was a little harsh. There are probably some situations in which wearing a bizarre pumpkin hat is perfectly appropriate. Just give me a minute to think of one.
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I got it! Perhaps you’re a parent who’s trying to horrifically scare your children, and permanently damage their social lives? This hat would be perfect for that! All you’d have to do is strike when you’d have the most impact – maybe you could surprise them after school one day by picking them up. That alone would be enough to merit instant mortification from any teenager, but pop this hat on, and their social structure is toast.
See also: meeting your child’s significant other for the first time, how to get fired from your job, a night at the opera or other black tie function, pretty much any public outing
5 out of 5 embarrassed pumpkins.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 11″ diameter
-Adjustable drawstring
-Fits most sizes, ages
-Made of 50% cotton and 50% polyester blend
