For those of us who enjoy summer lounging and the like but are still completely immature, the Spit Wad Launcher (Convenient Gadgets & Gifts, $14.95) is perfect. Yes, the idea of shooting another person with a spitball is completely juvenile, but it’s also completely awesome. What’s the real problem with spitball shooting, besides the obvious unsanitary aspect of it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. This shooter uses reusable spitballs that are soaked in water instead of spit, so it’s not so much a spitball but a waterball (although, spitball sounds so much cooler, so I’m just gonna go with it). The launcher comes with 12 reusable spitballs that fit into the launcher’s two holding chambers. You can hit a friend from up to 60 feet away, getting twice the splat without the spit. I don’t know about you, but it seems like someone improved on perfection.

By purchasing this spitball launcher, not only are you creating hours of enjoyment for yourself and/or a friend, but you’ll also be saving the environment. Don’t believe me? Just ask all those trees that aren’t being ripped up, chewed on, and spit out. You didn’t know you were such a humanitarian, did you?

4 out of 5 stars.

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First of all, it’s R2-D2. You’re clearly not a fan if you even need more than that for an explanation of awesomeness, but we’ll delve a little further to humor you. R2-D2 responds to over 40 voice commands as well as answer yes or no questions. He’s also adept at navigating rooms and hallways, through the use of an infrared sensor. This same sensor allows him to search for people in a room, follow behind you, or detect motion. He can replay sounds and dialog from the Star Wars movies and even dance while playing cantina music. My favorite part about R2-D2? He can play games, like tag. You heard me right, I said you can play tag with R2-D2! And I’m not talking about when you pretend to play tag with your other inanimate objects (you invariably always win) because R2-D2 will actually interact with you. There’s no way you can pretend like that isn’t the coolest thing you’ve ever heard. Go ahead, just try to deny it.

Sure, you’re gonna have to drop some serious coinage on this little guy, but it’s totally worth it. Well, at least it would be to a real Star Wars fan. All you other losers out there shouldn’t even bother. I bet R2-D2 wouldn’t even want to be your friend. That’s right, I went there.

5 out of 5 droid stars.

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Now, some might advise you against offering sharp objects like the Ex Voodoo Knife Set (Perpetual Kid, $69.99) to the angry and bitter, but I think it’s the perfect gift. Sure, you might want to make sure that your recipient isn’t harboring feelings of homicide or suicide, or any -ide if you want to cover all your bases, but I think it’ll cheer them right up. Come on, think about it – they could “stab” their ex all day long and it’s as innocent as selecting a knife to help prepare dinner. And before you start thinking that this is one expensive kitschy gift, you should know that this is one top-of-the-line knife set. It features five different types of blades, each of which are stainless steel and feature razor sharp precision cutting blades. Also, the unique plastic holder uses magnetized slots to secure the knives in the holder, each with individual protective knife sleeves.

Say, isn’t Valentine’s Day coming up? For most single people, Valentine’s Day is like a black cloud looming in the distance. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with being single, at least not in the eyes of single people, but Valentine’s Day decor is just something you can’t escape. The whole holiday is like a kind of like a plague. Except with chocolates, instead of black death.

4 out of 5 stars.

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Thank the heavens above! The Foodpod Cooking Vessel (Wrapables, $14.95) has heard of my plight and has come to rescue my fingertips from blistering! When I first saw this strange contraption, I didn’t quite understand its genius – I mean, it just looks like some weird silicone pod. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Upon closer inspection, I realized that this strange contraption was my cooking savior. Used primarily for boiling, this pod also works great for blanching and steaming a variety of foods. All you have to do is put your food in the pod, close the lid, and pop the pod in a pot of boiling water. Your foods will cook quickly and evenly, but more importantly, you won’t burn yourself on hot water backsplash because you’re not dropping small items into a giant empty pot.

Just think of all the foods you can now cook without burning yourself – eggs, red potatoes, broccoli, or shellfish. And I’m not just suggesting those because they’re featured in the four photos directly at the bottom of this post. Oh wait, that’s exactly why I’m using those examples.

5 out of 5 stars.

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As your partner in crime, the Disposable Plastic Flasks (KegWorks, $8.95) have totally got your back when it comes to the whole sneaking in an outside drink thing. Granted, these flasks are probably more for the alcoholic beverage variety than a cup of Juicy Juice, but the principal purpose remains the same: you won’t have to pay an outrageous for a drink. These come in a set of four with two plastic funnels to help you easily fill the flasks with your beverage of choice. And just because they’re marketed as disposable doesn’t mean that they won’t last – each flask is designed to withstand several uses before disposal. The flask fits comfortably in your back pants pocket or inside your jacket, so you probably won’t even notice it’s there (hopefully security won’t either). The great thing about these flasks being disposable is that if the fuzz should catch onto your stunt and make your toss it, you’re not out that flask you got for being the best man at your buddy’s wedding. And hey, you’ve even got three more, so it’s really a non-issue.

If I were you though, I wouldn’t be wasting these babies on anything other than hard liquor. I think they would be perfect for sporting events, especially those where they don’t pat you down that thoroughly. Then all you have to do is buy a mixer while you’re there, or you could just go all hardcore and enjoy your booze the way it was meant to be enjoyed.

4 out of 5 stars.

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