If you’re like me, you love your pets. You love so much that you wish you could take them everywhere, but sometimes that’s just not possible. Take your honeymoon, for example. Any honeymoon-worthy romantic destination probably doesn’t allow animals. Not to mention, why are you taking your pets on a trip meant for two? Some other places that it’s generally forbidden or frowned upon to take your pets: water parks, baptisms, funerals, court dates, etc. Basically, you’re going to have to learn to squash the urge to be thisclose your furry four-legged friend 24/7. Or, at the very least, fake it convincingly.
For our friends out there with feline companions, there’s the Cat-In-A-Can (Perpetual Kid, $11.99). Everyone else, you’re shit out of luck. This kitty can travel with your wherever you go and is very low maintenance. I mean, you don’t have to feed it, worry about it scratching up the furniture, or even empty its nonexistent litter box. It probably has something to do with the fact that this kitty is inflatable, but I’ll let you decide that one for yourself. So you can give this plastic kitty all the love and attention you would give your faithful felines at home, thus assuaging any possible guilt for temporarily abandoning them while you have the time of your life on vacation.
Ok, so now that you’ve solved your animal problem, the only issue left here is do your friends and family know that you’re a crazy cat connoisseur? Because that’s gonna be pretty tough for deny once your show up in Vegas with an inflatable pussycat.
3 out of 5 stars.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 12.5″ tall
-Inflatable cat
There’s been quite a few options over the past week or so for gifts this Valentine’s Day, some of them silly, some of them romantic, and some of them just downright bitter. But I’ve saved the best gift for last, the one that every woman is hoping deep down in her heart of hearts to receive from her significant other on February 14th: the engagement ring. There are a lot of rings out there that you could choose from and it seems like limitless options when it comes to diamond size and shape. Fortunately for you, I’ve scouted out all the top prospects and have come up with the perfect ring. Trust me, her ring (and your proposal) will be the talk of the town.
Show her just how much you love her this Valentine’s Day with the 2 Carat Mug (Firebox, $14.95), a ring unlike any she’s ever seen before. Imagine her look of shock and surprise when you get down on one knee to present her with this beautiful ring inside an elegant black box. Sure, it’s not a real engagement ring, but that’s part of the fun! When you jokingly show her a ring and ask her to spend the rest of her life with you, I’m sure she’ll laugh out loud when you explain that the ring is actually attached to a mug.* I mean, I’m sure she would much rather have a white porcelain cup with a ring attached to it, especially when said ring has a genuine Swarovski crystal embedded in the center. Available in gold or platinum effect, you’re sure to please your love with this token of your affection.
*I claim no responsibility for the possibility of your impending break-up. I suggest you make sure she’ll find this funny before you consider attempting.
5 out of 5 fake engagement stars.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 4″ x 4″ x 2 3/4″ (cup)
-Available in gold or platinum effect
-Cup made of white porcelain with genuine Swarovski crystal
-Not dishwasher or microwave safe
So now that we’ve talked and talked about what cutesy things you can get your sugarlips for Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be only fair to suggest an item for those not looking forward to the card company holiday. Now, I’m not saying that these unattached people are bitter and full of hate…but, deep down, that’s probably the case. They don’t want hearts and flowers adorning every surface of their home and workplace. Whether these people simply want the holiday to pass by unnoticed or are truly out for blood due to a relationship betrayal, I think we can all agree that a box of chocolates is not an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift for your single friends.
If your possible gift recipient is on the warpath this Valentine’s Day, then the Ex Skewer Set (Perpetual Kid, $59.99) is the perfect gift for him/her. Not only is the set perfect for entertaining at parties, but it has a nice voodoo doll quality to it as well. The set includes a small dipping bowl inset in a larger bowl. The top of the small bowl is a figure pierced with 12 stainless steel skewers, allowing the dip to be covered when not in use. Come on, what better way to vent your frustrations than with a harmless figure with skewers sticking out of its body? Perfect for those “Valentine’s Day Sucks” parties, your guests can spear the figure over and over for hours of enjoyment. Oh, and I guess they could occasionally use the skewers to stab cheese cubes, olives, or any other small dippable appetizer.
Mmm, nothing like spending an afternoon sticking skewers into a makeshift voodoo doll. That pretty much describes my weekend.
4 out of 5 stars.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 12″ x 9″
-Includes 12 stainless steel skewers
-Ex figure is detachable to reveal dip bowl
-Available in white only
-Made of ABS plastic
-Hand wash
Maybe some of you out there are looking to tell that special person in your life just much they mean to you. Perhaps this is a huge step in your relationship because neither of you have told the other how you feel about each other. Could this be the very first time you are prepared to say the big “L” word to each other? If so, you’re probably planning something really romantic, right? I know, you’re gonna cash in on the whole Valentine’s Day thing, because what better way is there to conjure instant romance than a holiday that’s literally all hearts and flowers. The most important thing to remember when going for the big “L” is to make it special, and a one-way ticket to specialtown are the two u’s: unique and unexpected.
If you’re looking for a one of a kind way to drop the “L” bomb, then look no further than the I Love You Bean (Miles Kimball, $5.99). You’ve got everything you need in this kit to let the lovely lady in your life know that she makes you feel all warm and gooey inside. All you need to do is add water and sunlight (the recipe also calls for love, but I think you’ve got that one covered) to the sprouting cup full of soil mix and seeds. Then when the bean sprouts, the words you’ve been trying to spit out will magically appear on the beans: I Love You. It’s recommended for kids ages 4 and up, but I think it just might work in your situation as well.
Ok, so maybe I forgot to mention a third requirement for professing your love – cheese. I’m not kidding, the cheesier the better. Sure, the ladies all like to pretend that they aren’t into the cheeseballs, but it’s simply not true. Take any sappy romantic chick flick and you’ll see exactly what I mean. There’s always, without fail, some sort of ridiculous scene in which the knight in shining armor declares his love for the leading lady. It’s never anything easy or laid back. Some examples:
When Harry Met Sally: Guy runs through the streets on New Year’s Eve to get to girl before the new year to spout big long speech about all the reasons why he loves her.
Say Anything: Guy holds up boombox outside girl’s window playing the song they first consummated their love to.
Dirty Dancing: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”
Love Actually: The entire movie.
4 out of 5 stars.
Specs:
-Includes sprouting cup, soil mix, and seeds
-Just add water, sunlight, and love
-“I Love You” will appear when bean sprouts
-Great for kids ages 4 and up
-Not available for shipment to Canada
Are you a victim of key scarcity? Do your keys just seem to grow legs and walk away, because that’s the only explanation for them not being exactly where you left them? What I’m trying to say is, I have a hard time keeping track of things, my keys in particular. Without fail, my keys are never where they were when I put them down five minutes ago. I’ve tried putting a whistling key finder on them, but it just never seems to work – largely due to the fact that I can’t whistle. So I got a key bowl. That didn’t work either because I just ended up misplacing the bowl as well. Do you know how many times I’ve had to get the locks changed on my place because I’ve lost the keys somewhere inside my apartment? Dave, the locksmith who has been married for 12 years with two children and has always dreamed of being a painter, assures me that it’s a very common occurrence.
The His and Hers Keyholders (Convenient Gadgets & Gifts, $18.00) are a perfect gift for someone like me who is unable to keep track of even the simplest of things, like a keychain. Available in both “His” and “Hers” designs, you can purchase them separately (same sex relationship friendly) or in a set (heteros only). The wall plate of your choice comes with a special key that you put on your keychain, which fit perfectly into the wall plate. Thus, all you have to do when you walk in the door is stick your key into the wall plate. Then you’ll always know exactly where your keys are, provided you can manage that first step. It is a tricky one.
This item lost one star based solely on pricing. I have no problem with the artsy price tag of $18, but I do have an issue with their bulk pricing. You can buy these babies as a set, and if you’re of the hetero couple persuasion, why not? I’ll tell you why not, because the set is $39.95. In case you’re a little rusty with math these days, 2 x $18 = $36, not $39.95 – tricky, tricky right there.
4 out of 5 stars.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 3 1/8″ x 4 1/4″
-Available individually or as a set
-His or Hers design
-Comes with special key to fit into keyholder
-No hook protruding from the wall
-Keys can’t be bumped to the floor
-Mirror stainless front face
