During this holiday season, were there some things that you asked for but didn’t get? Don’t you just hate that? Somebody asks you to make them a list of possible gift ideas, and then they don’t get you one item off that list. It’s like they wanted to know what you wanted for the sheer idea of expressing avoiding any of those items. There are some people though who can go off book and still manage to come up with the most awesome gifts imaginable. Depending on your point of view, this may or may not be one of those times.
One thing’s for sure, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Funky Cozy (Hot Topic, $28.00) is definitely not your usual holiday gift fare. Essentially the same as a Snuggie, this “Funky Cozy” helps keep you warm while lounging yet still allowing for freedom of mobility. Lazy people everywhere are rejoicing now that they can cozy up on the couch dressed as their favorite turtle teen idol. I mean, how else are you supposed to stay bundled up while eating your ramen? Available in one size, there’s sure to be enough slanket to cover your shivering self. Just be sure you don’t sit too close to the fire because this baby’s made of 100% polyester – not even Splinter could save you from the flames.
Curiously enough, this “Funky Cozy” is only available in three out of four ninja turtles. Even stranger, the ostracized turtle is not Raphael (he is the moodiest of the bunch), but rather Michelangelo. What did Michelangelo ever do to deserve such a snub? It is quite possible that he’s so popular and is currently unavailable, but I think there’s a conspiracy afoot. And I bet we all know who’s behind this one…Oroku Saki!
5 out of 5 ridiculously obvious Snuggie rip-off stars.
Specs:
-Choose from Leonardo, Donatello, or Raphael
-Care instructions: wash cold, dry low
-One size
-Made of 100% polyester
From geeks and techies to home decor and personal well being, we’ve covered quite a few gift ideas for this holiday season. However, if you’re still desperate for some ideas, check out last year’s December archive. Since there’s only 9 days left until Christmas, I thought I would take one topic and break it down for you, namely Christmas hats. So without further ado, here’s a Top 10 List – Christmas Hat Edition, courtesy of Amazon’s wonderful Christmas hat selection:
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Starting off our countdown is the Green & Red Santa Claus Helper Elf Christmas Sequin Hat ($7.99). Right away, you should be able to tell that this is an exceptionally terrible Christmas hat – just look at the super long name. I mean, how many Christmas buzz words could they throw in there? All that’s really missing is “Rudolph” or “Frosty” because, let’s face it, nothing about this hat really screams Christmas, much less Santa or Elf.
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Next up is the Tree Hat with Presents ($3.50), which is slightly better in that it actually pertains to the holiday in question. Upon closer inspection, it’s a little light on the holiday spirit. I mean, it’s a pretty sad looking tree if you ask me. Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree had more holiday spirit than this hat.
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The Felt Elf Hat w/ Bells ($6.99) actually isn’t that bad. Here’s a Christmas hat that someone could actually wear without feeling, or looking, like too much of a tool. Alas, that is not the point of this list. I mean, you’re gonna look like a tool, so why not go all the way? You can do better than a curly hat with a few little bells on it!
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Ok, you got me, Rudolph’s Holiday Flashing Reindeer Nose ($2.99) isn’t actually a hat. It is a headwear accessory though, so I’m counting it. And it’s my list, so I can do whatever I want. I personally love this flashing nose because it’s pretty much minimal effort, but there’s no way that anyone is gonna pass by you without noticing your flashing red nose. Then why is it all the way down at #7? It’s been pointed out that wearing a flashing nose strapped to your face can be a touch uncomfortable, and while the perfect Christmas hat should ruin your social stature, physical pain is not required.
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Actually, I was wrong, the title of most minimal effort headwear has to go to the Christmas Holiday Reindeer Antlers Headband ($1.99). Pretty much anyone can pull this look off, regardless of age, gender, or intelligence. But height is one possible hurdle to overcome when wearing this, especially if you’re tall. You’ll have to duck through doorways to make sure you don’t knock this beauty off your head, and let’s be honest, you look ridiculous enough already.
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Rounding out the Top 5 is the Plush Santa Chimney Hat ($9.99). Silly? Yes. Slightly adorable? I have to agree that yes, yes it is. I really don’t have anything sarcastic to say about this hat. Sure, you’ll look like an idiot wearing it, but no more so than if you wore a traditional Santa hat.
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If you want to look like a total imbecile, then the Deluxe Rasta Santa Hat ($21.99) is the way to go. First off, was there a regular Rasta Santa Hat that just wasn’t cutting it so they had to create a “deluxe” version? Also, who’s paying almost $25 for a hat this terrible? The whole hat with dreads look is so not attractive, not to mention completely dated. If you purchase this, please let the only reason be a gag gift.
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Remember how that last elf hat wasn’t cutting it? The Elf Hat with Ears ($6.49) may not have bells, but it does sound a lot more appealing. In case you missed that clever pun, I’m talking about the ears. Elf ears will always trump bells. You could put bells on anything and it’s not necessarily Christmas, but throw some elf ears on there, and we’re in business. Yes, it’s a little less flashy than most hats on this list, but I prefer to think of it as understated elegance, with elf ears.
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8 words: Red Santa Pimp Hat with White Fur Trim ($9.48). 2 more words: Freaking Ridiculous. I have more than a few questions about this hat. Seriously, who’s wearing this? Are pimps wearing this? Are pimps known for being particularly into Christmas? How in the name of Rudolph is this girl smiling while wearing this hat? If you were looking to show up to Christmas dinner wearing something wildly inappropriate and blatantly stupid, I do believe you’ve found it.
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Here we are, at the #1 Christmas Hat: the Springy Mistletoe Headband ($7.99)! This hat is the epitome of Christmas spirit – I mean, what’s better than portable mistletoe? Ok, so it’s totally absurd, but in a completely positive way. There’s no way you thought that you were gonna fly under the radar while wearing a Christmas hat, but it’s important to pick the right one. This one is full of holiday cheer, easy to wear, adequately priced, and you might even get some action while wearing it. Hands down, the winner.
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Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!
Are you ready for the feast that is very nearly upon us? Have you purchased all your Thanksgiving fixings? I hope so because you know the grocery store is gonna be a MADHOUSE today and tomorrow. Maybe we should just run through a brief checklist, just to make sure. Potatoes? Mmmm check. Cranberry sauce? Can-shaped check. Green beans? “Aww, do I have to eat my vegetables?” check. Stuffing? Stove Top check. Turkey? Um, turkey? Shit.
Listen, I’m gonna get you out of this jam, don’t you worry! All you need is a diversion while you go out and buy a turkey…and prepare it…and then cook it for several hours. I said, don’t worry! The Inflatable Turkey (Perpetual Kid) is gonna get you out of this mess in no time. I mean, why have a real turkey when you could have an inflatable one, right? You could use this turkey to mess with your family, persuading them that you thought this year we would all just think about delicious turkey instead of actually eating it. Or you could tell them that you mentioned the vinyl turkey when you invited them to dinner and that they just weren’t listening. Don’t they remember how you recently became vegetarian, but in order to keep up this whole Thanksgiving facade, you decided to have Tofurkey with a side of inflatable turkey? I thought you made it pretty clear with that “Meat is murder!” speech that you weren’t catering to your carnivore counterparts this holiday season.
Whatever your approach, I’m sure this faux turkey will be a hit at the dinner table. Just not this year. I mean, clearly you’ve waited until the last minute to put something together for Thanksgiving dinner. You don’t have a real turkey and, because you waited so long, you don’t even have an inflatable one. They’re sold out. Everywhere. They’re been gobbled up by the more thoughtful, albeit strange, individuals out there. But there’s always next year…
5 out of 5 gobble-gobbles.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 16″
-Made of vinyl
Turkey day is coming up – are you ready for all that massive food consumption? Sure, you can prepare your body for the onslaught of sugar and carbs it’s about to intake, but are you ready to face the toughest challenge of all? That’s right, hanging out with the fam. Before you start thinking that you’ve got this meal covered, let me remind you of what you’re in for. This is the time where your family grills you about your love life (“When are you going to get married?”), your job (“What do you want to do with your life?”), and other general critiques about your lifestyle (“Are you sure you want to eat that second helping of mashed potatoes?”). If only there was a way to take the focus off you, for once!
Thankfully (yes, I went there), if you show up with the Thanksgiving Hoedown Musical Turkey Doll (Amazon, $34.99), there’s a 99.9% chance that no one will bother you for the rest of the day. All you have to do is whip out this stuffed turkey, and you’re in business. Well, ok, maybe that’s not all you have to do. You should probably press the on/off switch, located on the turkey’s foot, or it’ll just be you holding a stuffed turkey (and not the kind you eat). Once you press the magical button, this turkey will move his head and mouth as he “sings” a “Hoedown Thanksgiving.” I mean, come on what could be better than that? Let me rephrase: what could be better than that at taking the attention off you? Absolutely nothing.
Who needs to bring a significant other to dinner when you could bring a singing turkey? Clearly an attention-grabber, your turkey will be the talk of the dinner table! Although, you might want to wait until dessert to bust him out – you wouldn’t want him to see his brother as the main course, now would you?
5 out of 5 embarrassed turkey stars.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 8″ x 8″ x 11″
-Weight: 1.3lbs
-Wingspread crafted in calico and corduroy
-Press his foot to make his head and mouth move as he sings “Hoedown Thanksgiving”
-Uses 3 AAA batteries (included)
A lot of people I know are way too attached to their animals. And by a lot of people, I of course mean myself. Now, I’m not that crazy pet owner who dresses up their animals for each holiday, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get them birthday or Christmas presents. That’s just good manners. My version of “too attached” is getting my pets something I think they’ll really enjoy. A castle for my goldfish, squeaky squirrel for my dog, and collapsible tunnel for my cat – surely these things are not considered excessive or strange? Occasionally though, I do have a moment of weakness and I purchase an item not for my pet’s enjoyment, but rather for my own.
In case you were having trouble picturing a toy more akin to my amusement than that of my trusty four legged companion, the Humunga Stache (Firebox UK, £9.95) will clear up any confusion. If ever there was a toy made more for the pet owner than the pet itself, this was it. In essence, it’s a fairly harmless dog toy: a rubber ball. There’s nothing simpler, yet more gratifying to a dog than a rubber ball. Granted, when you attach a giant mustache to one side of said ball, you change the playing field a bit. Maybe the ball doesn’t bounce as much as it used to, but it’s still a chewable, slobberable, lovable rubber ball. It just happens to look freaking hilarious when your dog has it in his mouth. Don’t think of it as a dressing up your dog, just picture your dog one step closer to that handlebar mustache he’s always wanted.
Nothing says class like a quality ’stache.
5 out of 5 barking stars.
Specs:
-Dimensions: 16.5cm x 9cm x 6.5cm
-Rubber ball with ’stache section molded onto it
-Fetch toy only; supervised play strongly advised
-Made from non toxic rubber
